"Your ambition should be to get as much life out of living as you possibly can, as much enjoyment, as much interest, as much experience, as much understanding. Not simply be what is generally called a 'success."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
I often feel I shouldn’t be as happy as I am. Society is convincing me I shouldn’t. So I sometimes think I might have some dopamine-producing brain tumor or something that is making me unjustifiably happy. I hope I don’t. Other than finishing university, I haven’t reached the milestones I’m supposed to achieve by 40, according to society’s standards for success. However, I feel lucky and satisfied with my life and with myself most of the time. I believe I have been making good choices because I have been relying on my feelings as inner guides when making decisions. I believe we know more subconsciously than consciously. If I feel excited and enthusiastic about an option or an opportunity lying ahead, I go for it. If I feel like I really don’t want to do something, then I don’t do it. If something is the right choice for me, the excitement and joy override the fear.
Everything we do when we are not sleeping is a pleasure for some people and a drag for others. I feel it would be a waste of time to do things that I don’t like if there are many things I can do that I enjoy and can get paid for. I wouldn’t enjoy watching TV for hours, for example. I wouldn’t do that as a job, even if it paid well. Maybe I would for a few months for a good salary, but probably not even that long. Getting paid is not enough. Humans need to feel that they are making some kind of progress and that their work matters. We need to engage our minds, souls, and talents in whatever we do. Many people are misemployed to some extent, doing what they don’t enjoy or find meaningful and useful, what doesn’t fulfill them or harness their talents and skills. Every work has less enjoyable parts of it but most of it shouldn’t be drudgery. Everyone is talented at something. Everyone enjoys doing something. The point is to find a way to get paid for it by making it useful to others. Another option is to become so focused and good at what we are doing for money that we start enjoying it, which cannot be achieved if we are employed at a job that is not the right match for us.
“Enjoyment appears at the boundary between boredom and anxiety, when the challenges are just balanced with the person's capacity to act.”
- Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
In his 1990 book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi introduced the now widely popular term Flow. Flow is the state of consciousness you get into while you are deeply focused and engaged in an intrinsically motivating activity which is neither too easy nor too challenging. Research shows that the happiest people are those who spend the most time in the state of flow. I am in flow when I paint. It doesn’t pay the bills (yet) but I get to do a lot of it anyway.
Should we be afraid of poverty?
“Of all the virtues we can learn no trait is more useful, more essential for survival, and more likely to improve the quality of life than the ability to transform adversity into an enjoyable challenge.”
I have lived below the poverty line for the last 8 years. Those have also been the happiest years of my life so far. I value my time more than money because having time for painting and the other projects that I enjoy working on makes me happier than having money. Some of my projects and activities might eventually be profitable. Whenever I had money, I was spending most of my time making it in unfulfilling, dull drudgery. I don’t need comforts and stuff, which makes it easy to live on very little. And very little is easy to make without selling a lot of time.
"Nothing is enough for the man to whom enough is too little."
- Epicurus
I've had paid jobs occasionally, especially when I needed a new computer or a dental procedure like I did last year. I worked as an English teacher in an exciting city and I quite enjoyed it. I enjoy trying out different jobs- even a simple and modestly challenging job can be interesting and fun for a while. I plan to try more different jobs in different countries though I noticed that most ads, especially for odd jobs, don’t accept applicants older than 40 or even 30. Sometimes it frustrates me to see that, but I also see it as a good opportunity to finally move into more skilled and eventually fulfilling work. I am currently working on my graphic design skills and learning German. Being too old to be employable can be a powerful motivation to find a way to be self-employed and work on passive income sources. I feel that, as long as we are relatively healthy, there is no reason for desperation or hopelessness. There is always something we can do to improve our lives. The worst choice is to passively accept an unsatisfying situation and not even attempt to improve it.
The joys of singlehood
As for being a happy single person, well, I am. I am not looking for a husband or a boyfriend. For the last 15 years or more, it’s been clear to me that I never want to get married. Signing a lifetime contract with a partner never seemed like a good idea to me, even at the time when I still thought that I would do it eventually because it’s a normal thing to do. I gave up on being normal a long time ago. I chose to be happy instead.
It is nice to have someone special to share your life with. I am open to having relationships and I know I will fall in love many more times in the future. I often do. I don’t believe that anything is permanent, though. And I don’t suffer because of that. The ability to embrace constant change and feel enthusiastic about it and not scared of the unknown has helped me a lot in life so far.
I believe in being a whole person and not half a person in search of its other half. Romantic relationships exist to improve and spice up our lives, but we shouldn’t need our partner to make us happy. It would be hard for me to be in a relationship with someone who desperately needed me, or anyone else, to make them happy. Also, I wouldn’t want to put my happiness in the hands of another person.
Happiness shouldn’t depend on the outer circumstances of our lives, it should be within us. The circumstances will constantly change and if your inner peace and happiness depend on them, they are going to be unstable.
Check out The School of Life video entitled: In Praise of Short-Term Love
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRwWt-cFKNY
Smart hedonism
By nature, I tend to postpone gratification in favor of long-term benefits. I am aware, however, that it’s wise to be moderately (not self-destructively) hedonistic and enjoy whatever I have now. We should be aware that today is perfect in its imperfection. We will always want something we don’t have, that’s natural, but we should be aware that things are generally pretty good now and even if they are not, it’s a sign that we are alive. It could always be much worse. We will be completely problem-free only when we are dead.
Science prevents me from taking the full credit for my happiness, though. Research shows that it is to some extent inherited. Research also shows that relationships are very important for happiness and that the happiest people have strong friendships. We knew this a long time ago. Actually, about 2000 years ago, the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus observed that romantic relationships bring a lot of suffering and misery to people while friendships seem to bring out the best in them.
Epicurus is known for being a hedonist and thinking of pleasure as the only intrinsic value. For Epicurus, however, pleasure meant abstaining from unnecessary desires and achieving an inner tranquility (ataraxia) by being satisfied with simple things, like philosophical conversations with friends, which he valued more than the physical pleasures like food, drink, and sex. He bought a big house and invited all of his friends to move in with him. Everyone had their own room and a friend to talk to in the common areas. They stopped working for other people and focused on their own fulfilling though less lucrative crafts and activities. This kind of communities spread all over the Mediterranean and offered a very successful alternative for the traditional families. They were suppressed by the Christian Church in the 5th century.
No lifestyle choice is intrinsically better than the other.
Soren Kierkegaard said: "If you marry, you will regret it, if you do not marry, you will also regret it...". I don’t believe in regret. It’s never too late to change your mind and your life. If you are unable to change your circumstances, you can always change your attitude.
Married people claim that marriage is hard. It’s a lot of work and sacrifice, they say. Just like raising children. For most people, the benefits are worth the trouble. For some, like me, they are not. Freedom is my number one value. Everyone should figure out what their values are and live according to them. That’s the secret to happiness as I see it. At least the part of it that’s not inherited.
